It took 15 tries to install Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House. However, the entire time the best candidate to lead the 118th United States Congress was quietly sitting in the chambers the entire time.
This perfect choice matched each and every qualifying trait that the Chaos Freedom Caucus — well, actually the entire Republican party — currently possesses. My pick claimed he is “the full embodiment of the American Dream.” I concur.
For example, my guy trends toward dishonesty. He lies, er, embellishes, his past, his race, his religion, his education, work experience, sexual preference and, even the date of his own mother’s death because, well, what’s it to you?
Recall that he said Mom perished because of exposure to chemicals released during the 9/11 terrorist attack. She died 16 years later, upon which my candidate set up a GoFundMe site to pay for her funeral expenses.
Two weeks later, he was headed for some R&R time to mourn in the Poconos. Coincidence no doubt, but the lamestream press has now surrounded an insensitive cloud of innuendo around this grief-stricken man.
Although he claims to be a “seasoned Wall Street financier and investor,” detractors say his finances are allegedly Madoff-level odd: sloppy at best, illegal at worst. The financial institutions that employed his brilliant acumen have no record of his tenure. Come on, whose fault is that? After all, who among us has not made accounting errors?
He is under baseless investigations by state and federal officials. Who knows, even the politically-motivated Office of Congressional Ethics might open up a look-see into the dude. But I kind of doubt it. Its plate is rather full, these probes take, like, a really long time, and the office might soon be shuttered for good.
Anyway, who cares when the libs are transforming this country into a Communist state of child cross dressers and porn peddlers?
Are Election fraud and Stop the Steal on his resume? You betcha. Last March, he tweeted, “My new campaign team has 4 former loyal Trump staffers that pushed him over the finish line TWICE, yes I said TWICE!” Upper caps! I’M LOVING IT!
Recently he mingled at the New York Young Republican Club along with, according to The New York Times, “white nationalists, right-wing conspiracy theorists and European representatives of far-right parties with authoritarian roots.”
When he was sworn in this week, he even flashed the white power sign. So trendy! And, also to his benefit, he has been to Moscow “many times.” Does he have Putin on speed dial?
Like his fellow colleagues in Washington, this upstanding American patriot has opposed mask mandates and abortion access. He “backs the blue” by saying that any accusations of police brutality are simply a “made-up” concept. He once boasted that he contributed money for the January 6th rioters’ legal fees. And, folks, looking back, was it really that bad of a riot?
To complete his excellent Republican bona fides, Brazilian prosecutors are reopening a rather frivolous criminal fraud case against our hero.
Seems that way back in 2008, he and his mommy employed a fake identity and a purloined checkbook to purchase some duds at a Rio clothing store. A minor misunderstanding. Besides, what happens in South America stays in South America, and why the heck should their laws apply to us?
Like so many in the Republican Party governing is, and should be, secondary to this man of valor. Instead, let’s zero in on future “likes” on social media, appearances on Fox News and other conservative outlets, and lucrative speaking fees. Money is king in politics, while policies to improve the lives of the likes of us can wait until 2024 when Donald Trump returns for his third (YES, I SAID THIRD!) term.
The moment has arrived, ladies and gentlemen; I present to you the next Speaker of the United States House of Representatives, the distinguished and greatly misunderstood George Santos from the 3rd Congressional district of New York. (Well, at least I think he is from New York. Whatever.)
Representative Santos has remained silent during these Ground Hog days, opting to run into blind corridors in the US Capitol while trying to evade the fake media’s rude questions about the inconsistencies of his biography.
But, like his colleague Representative Matt Gaetz, among others, Mr. Santos knows that the collective attention span of the American public is as long as a pencil stub and that controversies only last a couple of MSNBC news cycles at best.
Someday, Speaker Santos will wrest the gavel from that sell-out McCarthy and begin tackling the issues that really affect this nation.
For example, Hunter Biden will be given a legal colonoscopy. His sugar daddy will be impeached. Fauci will be jailed. Hillary’s emails will get another once over. The January 6 report will be revised to tell the real truth of what happened. Voting laws will be updated to prevent minorities from replacing honest majority white Christian voters.
With Speaker Santos leading the flock forward, we will once and for all defeat the reckless Biden socialist agenda and replace it with, well, I’m not quite sure yet. The Devil is in the details.